He called me out on my game once. He told me that he can tell when Im needy-its apparently the only time I can’t keep my hands to myself. There is some merrit to his theory. I’ll give him that.

 Though sometimes Trevor really just needs to be slapped in the face.

Like the other night when that girl, a new friend of ours took my place in his lap. If looks could kill and shooting stars where real…  He can’t know that Im ferociously jealous. I don’t like to share. And I don’t play well with others who try to make me. What rights have I anyway? I don’t want a relationship. I can’t handle being claimed. My heart is scarred enough. I’ve only just finished putting my heart together from peices. The glue is barely dry. I cant afford to again be broken. I told you: I refuse to ever feel that way again. I wilL never EVER be made to feel that way again.

I am restless and needy. My desire growing, I become anxious knowing the source my release is sitting just two floors down doing lord-knows-what on his laptop. He knows that Im here, and he knows that I want him-hell, dont I always? Is there ever really a time that Im not wanting or taking?

I think to go downstairs. I think to go right up to him and tell him what I want. He won’t resist giving it to me. He never does. But he will make me work for it. I think he likes to watch me squirm. He likes being in control; likes to have me beg. But he also knows I won’t beg for long. I dont’t like to wait. Im as impatient and demanding as he is. I think to tell him I have no desire for control. I think to tell him that’s because I already have it.

Lies! There is no such thing as control in this relationship. And if either of us had an ounce of it over ourselves (or atleast our loins), we wouldn’t even be in this mess. Im attached to a near complete stranger. Our bodies have a romance of their own taking place while our minds struggle fruitlessly to understand what’s going on. I call him my friend though I know we are hardly even that. Deep down I want to call him my lover but who am I kidding? There’s no love here. Here, there can be no love. 

My sexual frustration is turning into anger and I think should I see him I’d want to give him a good slap in the face. I know he won’t tolerate that. He hits girls-I resent him for it. Just once I wish he’d get my game and take his time putting me in my place. Often enough he will. But more often he’ll tap be back and laugh knowing Im just looking for an excuse to touch him.

Stayed up last night untill the sun rose and didn’t get out of bed untill the moon tooks its place. Im not sure if Im more ahamed or well rested.

Regardless, Im still wide awake at four in the morning. I’d better reverse this before school starts on monday..